nonduality

You Are Your Favorite

Since I was a kid, I’ve had the sneaking suspicion that I was my favorite. Like, of all the humans in the world, I wanted to be me. It wasn’t arrogant or egoic, it just felt true—I wanted to be this girl, this woman. Alongside this realization, since childhood, have also been massive feelings of not good enough, unworthiness, and even the idea that ‘I am the worst person in the world, just human trash.’

These ‘painbody’ thoughts have often overshadowed the deeper truth—the natural love of myself—but the love remained there, underneath the pain.

It’s not a self esteem thing. Or any kind of positive attitude or affirmation. It’s a very real inner knowing, deep in the bones, that this Being is who I want to be. I wouldn’t trade her in for any other human, if given the chance.

And I find this to be true for everyone. I’ve tested it out with several friends and most of my clients over the years—clients who have been deeply depressed, suicidal even, and convinced of their self hating thoughts. But underneath their stories, when asked if they would trade, they always said no. I want to be me, they said.

Force Majuere

Body desires are real. Painbody ‘desires’ are not. But only recently have I been able to grasp what the tangible, embodied desire is when a painbody is active.  For instance, if my ‘doer’ (based in unworthiness) is active, and I’m ‘achieving’ a lot in a day out of effort, I can see that all that doing isn’t what my body actually wants. I get depleted, frustrated, things get glitchy—all signs I’m out of what is true/delicious/real.

At this point in my healing, I’m usually able to stop the madness of the painbody’s wants; I stop, bring awareness to the situation.. just be. I wait for something effortless to emerge. It breaks the pattern of the painbody and leaves room for something real. But where is my desire in this process? I don’t often know..

If delicious yes/desire is the default movement of all things under God—if it’s always operating, in some capacity—then there must be a desire present, even when a painbody is active. But this has felt elusive to me, finding what my body wants in those moments of being triggered, of painbody being active.

What I realized is what the body wants in those moments of active painbody is physical touch, physical attention. The body itself wants to be held in loving arms. The painbody is the wounded kid who believes he’s unworthy or unloveable, and is looking for worth or loveabilty in success or approval—something disembodied and abstract. But what his body wants in that moment is to be physically seen, to be felt/touched.

A New Story

Of the many streams of information that came in, one had to do with a new story on Earth. I could see that there has been an old story—a story of separation, of light vs dark, good vs bad, and generally a win-loss set up. This set up is in every human domain—money/finance, schooling, sports, relationship.. you name it. A chess board is a good metaphor (and, to be honest, a real life reflection) of the set up—two sides engaging in an elaborate game to win the others’ pieces. A war, a fight, and with a zero sum (only one winner).

I could also see that there are tons of people on earth that are ‘awakening.’ This can be a sticky word, but for this essay I want to define it as waking up from the dream of fear on this planet—the dream of separation/us vs them/survival of the fittest/zero sum. This dream is nothing but a story, an idea, a play, a game, a program/code. But once a writer scribes a code or a story, it’s ‘out there’ and it gets played out over and over again.. until someone writes the new code.

The reality of Life is that there is infinite possibility and potential. But we need a wider view on the programs we’ve been living out, in order to have the freedom to change them, to write new code.

So ‘awakening’ can be like Neo waking up out of the matrix, but instead of continuing to fight the folks inside the matrix, imagine him pausing, closing his eyes, and peacefully connecting with Source/vast potential/insight, and listening for the kind of world he wants to create (lol, I know).

He puts his energy there, not back into the matrix from whence he came.

Built Ins

The ‘hard problem of consciousness’ in Western science (I.e. Where does awareness come from?) is only a ‘problem’ because we’ve had the whole thing upside down. We’ve thought that there is matter/brain first, and awareness/consciousness arises out of the brain. But it’s the other way around—awareness comes first, and the material world arises out of it.

Awareness is this primary thing—this essential nature—behind everything (including rocks and lizards and plants and computers…everything), and it has all of this inherent support—these built-in tools—for the body, the human being.

We just haven’t noticed. We’ve overlooked awareness like we overlook the space in the room or the ground under our feet—those utterly supportive, essential elements of life.

Let’s tap into Awareness right now, looking together at what is ‘built in’ to this Ground of Being…that which sees the mind but is not the mind.. Look right now and notice what its’ qualities are. Take some minutes..

Work = Play

There is a deep cultural belief that the path to getting what we want requires sacrifice—some kind of cost or payment. There is a pound of flesh, a penance, blood spilled, a compromise, or hard work involved. Embedded in this belief is that the sacrifice is worth it because of how you feel, or what you gain, when you get there—the thing is worth the cost of admission.

This bedrock belief is everywhere, in everyone. How many times have I heard some version of:

  • It sucks getting to the gym, but I feel great after.

  • I don’t want to sit down and do my homework or emails or pay my bills, but it’s worth it to have it done.

  • Eating salads (or whatever “health” food trend) is a drag, but I feel better when I do.

  • Marriage is work. Relationships are work. But we work on it and it’s worth it.

  • These long hours are worth it. My retirement will be the reward.

  • Work first. Then play.

  • We need to sacrifice for the greater good.

  • I have to do _____. Then I can do _____.

  • A little effort goes a long way.

  • Compromise is necessary.

I can feel the pull of these statements, the convincing quality. I’m writing this blog and I STILL almost believe them.

But the sacrifice idea isn’t, ultimately, true. Or at least, it’s not the truest thing. The truest thing is that Life does not require your bloodshed, or any real cost to your Being. It will most certainly cost you your story—your limited and distorted ideas about yourself and life—but it does not require an actual, physical, tangible cost in the way we imagine.

Already Is My Favorite Word

Later, I was talking to a friend about how the word ‘tool’ also implies something separate from us that we pick up and apply.. and how that doesn’t quite describe Kiran’s tools (check out her book Tools for Sanity), because the tools are already here, already inside of us, occurring with no action on our part.

Most fundamentally, the tools are a noticing of what Life is already made of, of what is already happening—right in front of our eyes—that had previously gone unnoticed.

After these chats I realized again how much I love the word already because it describes the essence of reality, of what IS. Truth, clarity, fulfillment, love, peace, information, innovation, solutions, insights etc—these things are already right here. The word ‘already’ helps to cut the legs out from under the doer, the seeker, the achiever—i.e. the various separate selves—from heading out to get something, do something.

For a chronic doer like me, this realization is an immense relief.

There Are No Nouns

The lack of separation in reality is not a new observation. It’s ancient knowledge. It’s got names like Shiva. Oneness. The Great Mother. Nonduality. Ultimate Reality. True Nature. Ubuntu. God. The Tao. The ‘I Am.’ Every mystic tradition of every religion talks of this Oneness.

It is built into the stories of our indigenous ancestors, the world over. There is a Navajo saying, “If you kill the prairie dogs, there will be no one to cry for rain,” pointing out the invisible link between prairie dogs tunnels and weather/soil health. Truly, there are endless parables and lessons along these lines, as it is an essential truth. Check out a couple videos of African folk tales on the subject here.

But somehow, somewhere, the vast majority of humans on Earth hooked into a paradigm of separation. Of us and the world, us & God.

Instead of seeing differentiation in life, we saw division.

I can’t imagine in the history of all things, a more colossal mistake.

The Road to Hell

I’ve never much liked the word ‘intention.’ 

Like…

‘What are your intentions for this week/month/year?’  ‘Let’s set our intention for this meeting.’  ‘My intention is to be loving to my family this holiday.’ 

Blech.

But I’ve felt like an asshole for not liking the word, because it is such a part of psychology, spirituality and self help.

I’ve been reflecting on my dislike. Here is the crux of why I think we should toss this word out:  The word ‘intention’ is mental. It’s not embodied. 

And therefore it is a movement of fear.

You Can't Get Here From There

If we look around here on earth, it seems totally reasonable that there should be another, aspirational world. I mean, what a mess this place is. It sure can’t be heaven. It can’t be right. It very obviously needs fixing. An ideal (better) world seems a good idea. It could be pretty depressing to think that this is all there is.

However, once the concept of two worlds is accepted, it logically follows that the path of mental, emotional, & spiritual development means to (somehow) gain access to this other realm—to earn our way to spiritual or secular heaven—to this perfect, peaceful, balanced state of ‘bliss’ or ‘mindfulness,’ promised to us by the many honorees of this other world (priests, shamans, psychologists etc).

I see the idea of two worlds as causing so much of our confusion and heartache—so much searching & self violence. To spill the beans:  I am profoundly averse to the idea of two worlds. 

I & She (not Me)

I & She (not Me)

A definition of terms:

“I”: The vast, formless, conscious awareness that looks out of our eyes and permeates all forms. The ‘ground of being,’ ‘fundamental consciousness,’ ‘what’s looking’ or your ‘true nature.’

“She” (and “He”) : The body, including the energy body. The form—the unique shape that awareness sees and feels through. The hands and organs and heart and guts and blood and  brain, etc.

“Me”: The separate self. The self concept. The illusory ‘me’ that lives in the body and has a story. The Doer. The Thinker. The apparently separate subject that’s having the experience. The one who is seemingly operating things.