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You Are Your Favorite
Since I was a kid, I’ve had the sneaking suspicion that I was my favorite. Like, of all the humans in the world, I wanted to be me. It wasn’t arrogant or egoic, it just felt true—I wanted to be this girl, this woman. Alongside this realization, since childhood, there have also been massive feelings of not good enough, unworthiness, and even the idea that ‘I am the worst person in the world, just human trash.’
These thoughts have often overshadowed the deeper truth—the natural love of myself—but the love remained there, underneath the pain.
It’s not a self-esteem thing. Or any kind of positive attitude or affirmation. It’s a very real inner knowing, deep in the bones, that this is who I want to be. I wouldn’t trade her in for any other human if given the chance. I want this body—with these arms, this face, these desires, these challenges. I don’t want their body, their life. Every detail—my nails and hair and hips and skin—with all of its ‘flaws’—I want it all. It’s built perfectly for me and my purposes.
Force Majeure
Working for an idea of success, for instance, can be driven by a deep belief in unworthiness, originating in pain in the body—the belief of unworthiness works to be successful, and therefore worthy. And it’s tricky because success sure seems like a real desire.
But who is talking? Who is it that wants to be successful? Because I’ve never met a body who wants to be successful. I’ve met bodies who want a certain kind of home, car, friends, collaborative work, creative expression, clothes, food, etc. Our bodies want tangible, specific, real things. It’s the painbodies, including my own, that want abstract things—like success, approval, etc.
Body desires are real. Painbody ‘desires’ are not. But only recently have I been able to grasp what the tangible, embodied desire is when a painbody is active. For instance, if my ‘doer’ (based in unworthiness) is active, and I’m ‘achieving’ a lot in a day, out of effort, I can see that all that doing isn’t what my body actually wants. I get depleted, and frustrated, and things get glitchy—all signs I’m out of what is true.
A New Story
Of the many streams of information that came in, one had to do with a new story on earth. I could see that there has been an old story—a story of separation, of light vs dark, good vs bad, and generally a win-loss set up. This set up is in every human domain—money/finance, schooling, sports, relationship.. you name it. A chess board is a good metaphor for the set up—two sides engaging in an elaborate game to win the others’ pieces. A war, a fight, and with a zero-sum (only one winner).
I could also see that there are tons of people on earth that are ‘awakening.’ This can be a sticky word, but for this essay I want to define it as waking up from the dream of fear on this planet—the dream of separation/us vs them/survival of the fittest/zero sum. This dream is nothing but a story, a play, a game, a program/code. But once a writer scribes a code or a story, it’s ‘out there’ and it gets played out over and over again.. until someone writes the new code.
The reality of life is that there is infinite possibility and potential. But we need a wider view of the programs we’ve been living out, in order to have the freedom to change them, to write new code.
Built Ins
The ‘hard problem of consciousness’ in Western science (I.e. Where does awareness come from?) is only a ‘problem’ because we’ve had the whole thing upside down. We’ve thought that there is matter/brain first, and awareness/consciousness arises out of the brain. But it’s the other way around—awareness comes first, and the material world arises out of it.
Awareness is this primary thing—this essential nature—behind everything (including rocks and lizards and plants and computers…everything), and it has all of this inherent support—these built-in tools—for the body, the human being.
We just haven’t noticed. We’ve overlooked awareness like we overlook the space in the room or the ground under our feet—those utterly supportive, essential elements of life.
Work = Play
There is a deep cultural belief that the path to getting what we want requires sacrifice—some kind of cost or payment. There is a pound of flesh, a penance, blood spilled, a compromise, or hard work involved. Embedded in this belief is that the sacrifice is worth it because of how you feel, or what you gain, when you get there—the thing is worth the cost of admission.
This bedrock belief is everywhere, in everyone. How many times have I heard some version of:
It sucks getting to the gym, but I feel great after.
I don’t want to sit down and do my homework or emails or pay my bills, but it’s worth it to have it done.
Eating salads (or whatever “health” food trend) is a drag, but I feel better when I do.
Marriage is work. Relationships are work. But we work on it and it’s worth it.
These long hours are worth it. My retirement will be the reward.
Work first. Then play.
We need to sacrifice for the greater good.
I have to do _____. Then I can do _____.
A little effort goes a long way.
Compromise is necessary.
I can feel the pull of these statements, the convincing quality. I’m writing this blog and I STILL almost believe them.
But the sacrifice idea isn’t, ultimately, true. Or at least, it’s not the truest thing. The truest thing is that life does not require your bloodshed, or any real cost to your Being. It will most certainly cost you your story—your limited and distorted ideas about yourself and life—but it does not require an actual, physical, tangible cost in the way we imagine.
Already Is My Favorite Word
After these chats, I realized again how much I love the word already because it describes the essence of reality, of what IS. Truth, clarity, fulfillment, love, peace, information, innovation, solutions, insights, etc—these things are already right here. The word ‘already’ helps to cut the legs out from under the doer, the seeker, the achiever—i.e. the various separate selves—from heading out to get something, do something.
For a chronic doer like me, this realization is an immense relief.
The rule of ‘already’ goes for every little thing. We want a hot dog and a beer. Or a salad and a sunbath. The desire itself is already true by the time we notice it. It occurs TO us—popping into awareness, out of the moment. It just… IS. And then, right in the moment we want a hot dog, we remember the place down the street that has the best Chicago-style dogs . The hot dog place was already there. The memory was already there, the impulse was already there. We may even already be walking in that direction.
What occurs is an increased awareness of what is already the case.
There Are No Nouns
Just try to inflict a noun, a separate self, onto this moment—try to be hungry before you actually are, or like that person whom you have visceral distaste for. Try to digest your food. Grow your hair and nails. Or not think that thought. Give it a go, separate self!
Of course, we try this all the time. We insert a noun into everything. Even my last two sentences imply a noun. (It’s right there in our language, every time).
But where would that noun, that separate self be? Inside your head? Where, exactly? The prefrontal cortex? (the big contender in the world of neurobiology) Ok… how? How is it located there, exactly? And if it’s there inside your brain somewhere, is that spot not connected with the rest of your brain, body, and environment?
We get nowhere, attempting to find the noun, the cut-off.
Because there isn’t one. What there is is verb-ing.
So that’s where we can go with our awareness. To the verbing. The tao. The flow.
The Road to Hell
I’ve never much liked the word ‘intention.’
Like…
‘What are your intentions for this week/month/year?’ ‘Let’s set our intention for this meeting.’ ‘My intention is to be loving to my family this holiday.’
Blech.
But I’ve felt like an asshole for not liking the word, because it is such a part of psychology, spirituality and self help.
I’ve been reflecting on my dislike. Here is the crux of why I think we should toss this word out: The word ‘intention’ is mental. It’s not embodied.
And therefore it is a movement of fear.
You Can't Get Here From There
If we look around here on earth, it seems totally reasonable that there should be another, aspirational world. I mean, what a mess this place is. It sure can’t be heaven. It can’t be right. It very obviously needs fixing. An ideal (better) world seems a good idea. It could be pretty depressing to think that this is all there is.
However, once the concept of two worlds is accepted, it logically follows that the path of mental, emotional, & spiritual development means to (somehow) gain access to this other realm—to earn our way to spiritual or secular heaven—to this perfect, peaceful, balanced state of ‘bliss’ or ‘mindfulness,’ promised to us by the many honorees of this other world (priests, shamans, psychologists etc).
I see the idea of two worlds as causing so much of our confusion and heartache—so much searching & self violence. To spill the beans: I am profoundly averse to the idea of two worlds.
I & She (not Me)
I & She (not Me)
A definition of terms:
“I”: The vast, formless, conscious awareness that looks out of our eyes and permeates all forms. The ‘ground of being,’ ‘fundamental consciousness,’ ‘what’s looking’ or your ‘true nature.’
“She” (and “He”) : The body, including the energy body. The form—the unique shape that awareness sees and feels through. The hands and organs and heart and guts and blood and brain, etc.
“Me”: The separate self. The self concept. The illusory ‘me’ that lives in the body and has a story. The Doer. The Thinker. The apparently separate subject that’s having the experience. The one who is seemingly operating things.