Since I was a kid, I’ve had the sneaking suspicion that I was my favorite. Like, of all the humans in the world, I wanted to be me. It wasn’t arrogant or egoic, it just felt true—I wanted to be this girl, this woman. Alongside this realization, since childhood, have also been massive feelings of not good enough, unworthiness, and even the idea that ‘I am the worst person in the world, just human trash.’
These ‘painbody’ thoughts have often overshadowed the deeper truth—the natural love of myself—but the love remained there, underneath the pain.
It’s not a self esteem thing. Or any kind of positive attitude or affirmation. It’s a very real inner knowing, deep in the bones, that this Being is who I want to be. I wouldn’t trade her in for any other human, if given the chance. I want this body—with these arms, this face, these desires, these challenges. I don’t want their body, their life. Every detail—my nails and hair and hips and skin—with all of its ‘flaws’—I want it all. It’s built perfectly for me and my purposes.
And I find this to be true for everyone. I’ve tested it out with several friends and most of my clients over the years—clients who have been deeply depressed, suicidal even, and convinced of their self hating thoughts. But underneath their stories, when asked if they would trade, they always said no. I want to be me, they said.
This can’t be believed, like some crappy affirmation. It can only be realized.
And it can only be realized from Witnessing Consciousness, or Oneness—that background witness that has been watching this avatar your whole life, with total unconditional love. It (the real, immortal you) has always been there, and will always be there. It has been loving you, in it’s witnessing of you, like a parent loves a child.
We are the child and the parent. The lover and the loved. What’s looking and what’s being looked at.
But these ‘two’ aren’t actually separate. And even more to the point, this is what we—Oneness—are up to, here on earth—loving, and listening to, every inch of this particular body, this avatar. That’s the ‘point,’ in a sense—to fully allow this being’s embodied expression. For every corner of her/his/their heart to be felt and expressed, including our social purpose.
Your body, your avatar, is like your favorite outfit of all time. But you don’t fully identify with your outfit, right? Rather, the outfit is meant to reflect your inner you—it is simply what you want to wear—and hopefully you really enjoy wearing it, but you know it’s temporary, that it is a choice for a season of your life.
Certainly we all have stories of not being good enough. Ridiculous, inherited stories—like a shitty judge in your head—telling you terrible things about yourself, physically or otherwise. These stories of what is bad or good can take over and block the natural expression of your Being—the truly fulfilling way for you to be in the world. I.e. To fully enjoy your outfit.
But I ask you—who are your favorite people? In the real world or on TV, in movies, including fantasy genres? Not necessarily who you admire or respect the most, but your real favorites. Underneath everything, who in the movie would you want to be? For me, it’s Bilbo and Moana.
I ask you to consider that you are your actual favorite character. That those characters/people you love are just a reflection of the love you have for yourself. They mirror back to you a fundamental, delightful aspect of your being. One that you would never trade in.
Let’s take a minute to feel this..
Feel your feet and hands, hips and belly, neck and head. Just feel into these areas for 2 minutes. Take a moment to really attend to this being, to inhabit your body.
(Pausing :) )
And then ask yourself if you would trade this body in with that person/character you think is just the best? Would you swap with them? Imagine a real trade—you get their life (warts and all) for yours. If it came down to it—really feel this—would you trade?
I’m guessing you wouldn’t. You would choose you. And I’d rather be me than Bilbo or Moana. Because I want to be in my own movie. And so do you.
You are the Oneness itself, exploring what it is to be this particular human, who has never existed before. You said ‘this one please’ and got your wish. In psychology they call it ‘self actualization’—the fulfilled human, expressing themselves genuinely. But psychology left out the most important truth of who you really are—Oneness. Thus, in my view, it left out the larger perspective we actually need in order to self-actualize.
Strangely, self actualizing as a human can only truly happen when you realize you aren’t just human. Like a video game player, you’ve gotta wake up to the fact that you’re watching the avatar play, while also being ‘in the game.’ Then you can really play how You want to play the game, versus how you were conditioned to play.
You are your favorite. So now.. how would you treat the most important, most favorite person in the world, if they were with you in this moment?