healing

Force Majuere

Body desires are real. Painbody ‘desires’ are not. But only recently have I been able to grasp what the tangible, embodied desire is when a painbody is active.  For instance, if my ‘doer’ (based in unworthiness) is active, and I’m ‘achieving’ a lot in a day out of effort, I can see that all that doing isn’t what my body actually wants. I get depleted, frustrated, things get glitchy—all signs I’m out of what is true/delicious/real.

At this point in my healing, I’m usually able to stop the madness of the painbody’s wants; I stop, bring awareness to the situation.. just be. I wait for something effortless to emerge. It breaks the pattern of the painbody and leaves room for something real. But where is my desire in this process? I don’t often know..

If delicious yes/desire is the default movement of all things under God—if it’s always operating, in some capacity—then there must be a desire present, even when a painbody is active. But this has felt elusive to me, finding what my body wants in those moments of being triggered, of painbody being active.

What I realized is what the body wants in those moments of active painbody is physical touch, physical attention. The body itself wants to be held in loving arms. The painbody is the wounded kid who believes he’s unworthy or unloveable, and is looking for worth or loveabilty in success or approval—something disembodied and abstract. But what his body wants in that moment is to be physically seen, to be felt/touched.

A Healing Estuary

This process, along with caterpillars turning into butterflies and frogs regrowing legs (and a billion other mysteries in our biological reality) doesn’t make sense from a materialist worldview—the worldview that says things are separate, operate themselves, and are disconnected from the rest of Life, with one DNA packet code per separate, solid life form. 

But major internal change—this kind of smoltification process—including completely new shapes & operating systems, is more the norm than the exception in Nature. And it is actually the norm for us humans (though we are taught the materialist worldview—that we are nouns instead of verbs). 

It is the natural process of evolution—a radical transformation in which our whole Being alters, finding a much bigger space to occupy, as we drop old constrictions (limiting beliefs) in our system. And this evolutionary process is built into us, just like the salmon. 

But it takes some healing, some time in the brackish waters—letting go of old patterns, old internal systems…eating some salt, as it were.