I’m taking all new writing to Substack & Brainz Magazine
New essays, videos, short notes and a community chat are on Substack. Click here for my Substack page.
New exclusive-to-Brainz articles are at Brainz Magazine. Click here for my Brainz page.
All older writing will remain here for the time being.
Since I was a kid, I’ve had the sneaking suspicion that I was my favorite. Like, of all the humans in the world, I wanted to be me. It wasn’t arrogant or egoic, it just felt true—I wanted to be this girl, this woman. Alongside this realization, since childhood, have also been massive feelings of not good enough, unworthiness, and even the idea that ‘I am the worst person in the world, just human trash.’
These ‘painbody’ thoughts have often overshadowed the deeper truth—the natural love of myself—but the love remained there, underneath the pain.
It’s not a self esteem thing. Or any kind of positive attitude or affirmation. It’s a very real inner knowing, deep in the bones, that this Being is who I want to be. I wouldn’t trade her in for any other human, if given the chance.
And I find this to be true for everyone. I’ve tested it out with several friends and most of my clients over the years—clients who have been deeply depressed, suicidal even, and convinced of their self hating thoughts. But underneath their stories, when asked if they would trade, they always said no. I want to be me, they said.
