Meaning. We’re always looking for it, aren’t we?
What did they mean by that?
Is my life meaningful?
What was the meaning of that scene in the movie?
And (most importantly)…what does it all mean about me?
Having a meaningful conversation or watching a meaningful film sounds good. And living a meaningful life is living a good life, according to society: We get our neighbors’ love & respect. We leave a legacy. We worked for a noble cause. We might even get into heaven! (There is also the flip side, where we rebel or give up—everything is devoid of meaning).
But…just for now…ask yourself… what do you actually get when you add meaning to your life (or call it meaningless)?
Because there is no real agreement on what gives your life meaning (or takes it away). You might say it’s a partner, kids, a successful career or philanthropy/gift giving—these are all good contenders (and perhaps quite fulfilling aspects of your life, don’t get me wrong!).
But what happens when you run into a climate change alarmist who believes having kids is harmful to the environment, and that you are contributing to killing the earth..? Or when your polyamorous friend thinks marriage is a dead idea..? Or, recently for me, I no longer take psychotherapy clients. I’m slowly becoming a ‘coach.’ Some friends and clients see it as liberating, others see it as frightening. Some think it’s just plain dumb. Or even offensive!
It’s a slippery slope, hanging our hat on meaning. When meaning is applied, I frankly see a lot of suffering (myself included). I see exhaustion and confusion—a sacrificing of real human needs, desires and boundaries for moral breadcrumbs—for the fog of meaning. I see us disconnected from truth, looking for meaning instead.
We go for what is meaningful, versus what is true in our bodies, what is deep in our bones.
Meaning is in the land of the separate self. It exists in a mental landscape, in the story of me. But we are not this mental self. We are not a concept.
Meaning is conceptual, not actual. It isn’t here, on planet earth.
I do a lot of inquiry with clients—we question thoughts or drop words out of our vocabulary. I often ask this question, with regard to meaning (a variation of Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’):
‘If nothing that ever happened—nothing you did or didn’t do, nothing you’ve ever thought, felt or experienced—had any meaning whatsoever, what remains?’
I usually get a smile or a surprised look. Maybe a moment of panic. But then the client tastes a bit of freedom and says something like, “God, I don’t know!” And we just hang out in ‘I don’t know.’ We sit and feel. We see what arises. Invariably, something true (and utterly practical) comes up…
“I would tell my husband I don’t want to prep the kids’ lunches anymore.”
“I wouldn’t call that friend back. She’s depleting.”
“I would go to the park instead of church this Sunday.”
“I wouldn’t think something is wrong with me."
“I would (eat, exercise, work, communicate, dress, have sex) differently.”
The client and I notice how everyday things feel. And we notice that we travel lighter. We pack lunches if/when we feel like packing lunches. We say what we want. We say what we don’t want. We cry in public. Maybe we yell in public! We are free. We are free to respond to what is actually occurring in our being, without it meaning anything. What a relief!
And life—this moment right here—becomes for the sake of itself.
The taste of food, the offering of gifts, the shoveling of snow, the act of service, the going to a party (or not)—all for the sake of itself. And this authenticity, this meaningless humanity—miraculously!—ends up being for the sake of everyone else (I promise).
So the question is not what one’s actions mean, but whether they are true. I’d like to replace the word meaning with the word truth, because I think it is what we really ‘mean.’ I think authenticity/truth is what we really want.
What does that mean? —> Is it true?
I didn’t mean that —> That wasn’t quite true
I want to know what that means —> I want to know if that is true
What did they mean? —> Are they telling the truth?
My life is meaningless —> My life is lacking authenticity
That film was meaningless —> That film didn’t ring true
I’m afraid of falling into a meaninglessness —> I’m afraid of authenticity
Meaningful life —> Truthful life
How do those changes feel to you? Would love to read your reflections below…
xo