The Goldilocks Option
I was talking to a client last week about some earrings she didn’t buy. The conversation was about money—how she & her husband spend & save money differently, & how both of their approaches are based in fear. We all have conditioning around money (around all human endeavors), and this mental conditioning keeps us from finding out what the truth in our being is—whether it's about money, starting or ending a relationship, or what to put on a sandwich.
This is a big part of my job—to bring awareness into the body in order to find what is actually true. For instance, I may believe I should eat more vegetables, but I can feel that I want a hamburger. If I were to eat vegetables when I want a burger (or vice versa), I get a belly ache. I get grumpy. But when I listen to my body, I am never steered off course. I never go off the rails (a lie fear likes to tell). It's usually surprising, though! My body doesn’t seem to follow any ‘rules.’
We believe we must control our spending, our eating, etc…or life will be chaos. But the body itself is trustworthy. Every animal on planet earth is listening to their body--they don't have a mental narration of morality, of what they 'should' be doing--and thus are at peace and thriving.
Back to my client & the earrings. We spent 20 min in session reflecting on them—she thought maybe she ‘should’ have bought the earrings because she really liked them—but they were $100, & she would only wear them once or twice a year. We did a little meditation to get her out of her mind—I had her envision the earrings, feel into her body, & ask what was actually true. ‘Oh!’ she said, ‘They are kind of fun, silly earrings…I would pay $30 for them.’ She knew it. It landed. It felt like a ‘click’ in her system. She was excited—knowing they would probably go on sale, & having discovered how much more fun it would be to get them for $30. We laughed at the simplicity of it all & acknowledged the wisdom of her not buying them at $100—she knew it wasn’t right.
Previous to the meditation, my client had been back & forth between 'Just buy them, you deserve it! & 'You'll only wear them a few times. This is frivolous!'. She also thought 'They are just earrings! There are bigger things in the world. I shouldn't be so conflicted!' But the whole is in the part, so when we got to the bottom of the earrings, we got to the bottom of much more. Moreover, it is worth taking the time to find something's actual value, because the truth is fulfilling in a way that a mental decision can never be (in this case, either spending more than she wanted to, or ignoring that she wanted them---both unsatisfying).
It’s the same for everything. It is always worth our time to get it just right—not right morally, but right internally, in the body—our inner knowing, without explanation or justification. This food, this person, this job ...or this pair of earrings.
Turns out Goldilocks was a awakened master!
But it feels true
The field of psychology has contributed deep insights into the human experience, but it sure doesn’t know (or is only recently recognizing) that our healing goes down in the body, not the mind.
Therapists are still attempting to assist you in achieving ‘mental health’ …but I’ve never been quite sure what that is.
For years I helped myself and my clients wake up from our minds. I did a lot of inquiry—mostly Byron Katie’s ‘The Work,’—and we experienced relief from our fear-based thinking & core beliefs—the vast majority of which we share as humans.
But something was missing.
I would feel better, not believing my thoughts. My clients would feel better. They could see that the belief (for instance) they were ‘doing it wrong’ wasn’t true. Or the belief that others ‘should be more considerate’ was a pipe dream that created more suffering.
They could access reality for a moment (or a day, a week, a month), but consistently said (and continue to say to me): ‘I know (this thought) isn’t true. But it still feels true.’
This is because the belief—the core wounding of any belief—is stored in the body. The impact of a belief doesn’t ‘hit’ the brain or the mind, initially. Rather, we feel it first (as William James, that sweet & underrated Western thinker, postulated).
Consider a parent yelling at a child to come to dinner, but the child is immersed in an interesting project & not hungry. The yelling is jarring to the sensitive child—they feel gut punched by the words and tone. And now, perhaps, the belief that their needs don’t matter, that they are always getting things wrong, is stored in their sinking belly. Maybe they ‘suck it up’ and come to dinner--but down the road those beliefs will continue to haunt them, and that gut punch will need healing.
I do embodiment work with every single client now. And I am always doing it with myself. Kiran Trace calls it Alchemy--the healing in the body of the deep wounds we all carry. These wounds can be met, and the body can return to its open, natural state of being.
Today I had a client laughing at the thought that she 'isn't capable.' It was a belly laugh, released from long ago when she felt incapable at school--she could see, with her whole body, that she has always been capable--incredibly talented, really. Her belly was finally in on the joke--a little Buddha, laughing at the silly mind (that old liar).
Giraffe on a Farm
I was talking with a client this morning—a successful lawyer here in Chicago, who is considering leaving his career. We’ve unpacked multiple limiting beliefs in our work together over the years, most all of them connected with deep wounding/subtle trauma in childhood--conditioning from home & school that implied he is a 'doing it wrong', undeserving, not good enough, etc. (Sound familiar?) And so he picked a career (as many of us do) that would (subconsciously) prove his worthiness, earn him approval...and stop the pain of unworthiness.
But success driven by pain is no success. No amount of success can heal the untrue thought, the wound of unworthiness.
Today, a new aspect of his ‘undeserving’ belief reared its' ugly head—that my client should be ‘grateful’ for what he has—he leads a comfortable, privileged life. He’s got ‘nothing to complain about.’ Someone even suggested a gratitude list.
This particular kind of conditioning—that hooks into scarcity mentality (that my win is your loss, that there are only so many gifts, or privileges, to go around)--well, it makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.
My analogy to him was of a giraffe on a farm. The horse, the chicken, the goat and the pig are all saying to the giraffe, ‘You are so privileged! You get your food delivered in a trough every day. It’s comfortable here. The trees are beautiful. We all get along. What’s WRONG with you!?’
Nothing is wrong with him. And nothing is wrong with the farm animals. It IS a nice life--for them. But this giraffe belongs on the safari. He eats from the tall trees. Bending his neck to the trough literally hurts.
This is what we have been told our whole lives. Here is the good life. Be grateful you have it!
But is it true for you?
That is the only question.